“You should be over this by now.” The instructions on the package say, “Cover the dish and microwave for four minutes.  Stir, recover and microwave for another four minutes before serving.”  Isn’t microwave technology wonderful?

Since grief from a loss doesn’t come with a label and instructions on how to get over it, those who are observing the pain the grieving person is experiencing want to give the griever a quick fix to their problem.  While the truth is that the griever can, in fact, get over the loss that he or she has experienced, it will take longer than 10 minutes.

There are many people who have suffered with a loss for over 10, 20 or 30 years before they finally felt they were able to get over it.  So, what’s the answer?

While every individual’s journey is unique, there is a way to move beyond the loss.  The fact is every loss carries with it the seed of a growing opportunity.  Yet, anything that moves the griever out of his or her comfort zone and forces them to grow like a loss does, must have a prescribed path to follow in order to take them to a successful conclusion.

Since there is 100% likelihood that everyone will experience several difficult losses in their lifetime, we’d better know the prescribed path to take to preserve our health and well-being.

My hope is that you will direct those you think should be over their loss by now to The Grief and Wellness Group and give us the opportunity to point the griever in the right direction as we walk that journey with them. 

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist

Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.

Bob is available to walk you through the actual steps to recovery.  Call 520-668-5906 and ask for Bob.

“Be glad you’re young enough to have another child.”  While this may certainly be a true statement, watch out!  The grieving person may be tempted to through you a punch and knock you right off your feet.  Worse than that, one person said when someone made that comment to him, “I wanted to kill the woman!”  Why such a strong reaction?  It’s because the statement, although made by well-meaning people, negates the depth of emotional pain that that parent is experiencing or that their sorrow is invalid because, after all, they can try again.  

Don’t forget.  Grief is emotional – not intellectual!  As a result, the grieving person will not hear the facts until their emotions have been processed.  While it’s not uncommon for well-meaning people to try and move the grieving person from the pain in their heart to focus on the facts in their head, this method is not only ineffective but causes more confusion and pain for the griever. 

Bobbie Rill, M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor
National Trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute®
Grief Recovery Specialist

A well-loved speaker, counselor and Grief Recovery Specialist, Bobbie has been guiding individuals successfully for over 20 years.

"You need to pull yourself together and move on with your life."

By Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist
www.TheGriefandWellnessGroup.com

Everyone tells you to move on with your life, but no one tells you how to do it.  It’s always easier to give advice than it is to put it into practice.

While crawling under the house one day to inspect some pluming, I came across a beam supporting the floor that was much thicker than the rest.  In my attempt to move under it, I got stuck.  There I was flat on my stomach, pinned by this heavy wood beam.  I was stuck and alone in a dark and dusty place.  Just a step below panic, I started digging in the dirt around my hips to give me more wiggle room to get free.  Eventually, I created enough space to be able to retreat to the entrance I came in through.  After my blood pressure returned to normal and I had enough fresh air for my dust filled lungs, I decided to return, only this time better prepared with a short handled shovel.  

Grief is like that wood beam that had trapped me.  Trying to move forward without the right tools can only serve to get the griever stuck.  So when you tell someone to get on with their life, you are showing little is any sympathy for the loss the person has experienced.  Remember, it is always easier to talk about solutions than it is to do it.

Realistically, you and every other griever only have two choices:

1.      Stuff it – act as though you have moved beyond the hurt and pain.  That’s when you truly GET STUCK!

2.      Grieve – Yes!  Grief is a choice.  For those that choose to grieve and get the right tools for the situation, they will in fact, be able to move on with their life and it will be more rewarding than you or they can imagine.

Instead of telling someone to pull themselves together and move on with their life, point them in the right direction and encourage them to get help.

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist


Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.

Bob is available to walk you through the actual steps to recovery.  Call 520-668-5906 and ask for Bob.

"You never get over the loss of a child." 

Getting through the grief of a child who has died is a difficult, unimaginable process for most of us.  Yet telling a parent that they will never get over it can be debilitating, as well.  It sends the message the grieving person is already fearing – that the excruciating pain they are experiencing will never subside; that they will never be able to laugh or be happy again; that God isn’t able to heal their broken heart. 

John knows differently.  After the death of his infant son, John sought help and he didn’t give up!  When he finally discovered the steps to recovery, which is now known as The Grief Recovery Method® he began sharing the process with others.  As a result, hundreds have now discovered that there is recovery and healing after the untimely death of a child.  Be an encourager and the bearer of hope.  Let them know there is help for healing from the loss of a child.   

Bobbie Rill, M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor
National Trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute®

A well-loved speaker, counselor and Grief Recovery Specialist, Bobbie has been guiding  individuals successfully for over 20 years.

To help those struggling with a loss of any kind, call 520-668-5906.
www.TheGriefandWellnessGroup.com

“You just need more faith.”  Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher?  Go into any public building and you will see fire extinguishers strategically positioned along the walls.  Some are behind a glass door while others are just left hanging on an accessible hook.  In case of a fire the operation is really very simple.  P.A.S.S.  It stands for Pull the pin, Aim the spray nozzle at the base of the fire, Squeeze the handle and spray the contents, Sweep back and forth.  Yet, in most emergency situations the urgency of the circumstances creates a panic and the simple task often becomes confusing.

A griever experiencing a loss will often demonstrate a similar emotion.  Just like a fire we are so inexperienced with how to cope with a loss that we take on a confusing mindset.  Even though a person is a person of faith, the urgency of the current loss they are experiencing can cause a numbness and hinder critical thinking.

The way a person handles grief is not a barometer of their faith, rather it is an emotional expression of their broken heart.  By attacking the griever’s faith, you could cause further confusion and despair.  So, instead of suggesting a larger dose of faith, suggest that you will be there for them when they need a listening ear.  

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist

Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.

Bob is available to walk you through the actual steps to recovery.  Call 520-668-5906 and ask for Bob.

By Linda McLaughlin
“There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea!”
“You’ll do Better Next time!”
“He (or She) was a Jerk Anyway!”

When I experienced divorce first-hand, these comments were the very first ones I received from well-meaning family and friends! Their advice was not helpful, and extremely tough for me to hear! Here are a few reasons why.

There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea!
Even a master fisherman knows this statement is not accurate, especially when you’ve already lost one fish and seem to be sinking fast. So when someone is grieving a relationship loss, the solution is NOT to replace that loss by jumping into another relationship, no matter how many fish are available!

You’ll do Better Next time!
These words made me feel under pressure to DO something, (but I wasn’t sure what that was). Suggesting a griever will do better next time sounds critical of their past choice, and can actually undermine their ability to make a good decision now.

He (or She) was a Jerk Anyway!
Maybe, but probably not! I was married for a very…long…time, and neither of us are jerks. After a divorce or broken relationship, encourage the griever to address their loss accurately and honestly without name-calling or personal attacks.

Our entire Grief & Wellness Team is trained to address the myths, and misinformation in grief recovery, including What Not to Say when someone is grieving a broken heart.

Linda A. McLaughlin
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist
THE GRIEF & WELLNESS GROUP, INC.

(Learn more about this common mistake people often make when talking to a griever, at our Grief and Wellness Group website:  www.Thegriefandwellnessgroup.com

 By Bobbie Rill, M.A., LPC 

"Just give it some time.  You’ll get over it." or "Only time can heal this kind of hurt.”   The old adage time heals all wounds couldn’t be further from the truth.  Just ask the person who was raised by a cruel or critical parent or whose ex was verbally abusive, or even the adult who was mercilessly teased by their peers in junior high.  The truth is the one who has experienced a significant loss doesn’t feel okay and when you tell him or her to just give it time, you are implying they don’t need to seek help, that they just need to be more patient and with time, they’ll get over the pain and the hurt. 

Although well-meaning, you are implying that time does heal but let me ask you a question.  If you broke your arm, would you not go to the doctor to set to ensure it heals correctly?  If you had a flat tire, would you just pull up a chair alongside the road and wait, giving the tire time to replenish the air or fix the hole?  And, if someone stopped to offer you help with the tire, would you say, “No thanks.  I just need to give it some time.”?  Of course not!  That would be ludicrous when the person who stopped to help you fix your tire had the tools needed to get the job done – a jack, an air pump or even a spare tire!

You need to understand that a broken heart can also be repaired but a person needs the right person with the right knowledge and the right tools to assist.  Don’t be a well-meaning person who gives poor advice.  Increase your understanding of grief so you can more effectively help yourself and those you love.                              

  Bobbie Rill, M.A.
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  National Trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute®

 A well-loved speaker, counselor and Grief Recovery Specialist, Bobbie has been guiding  individuals successfully for over 20 years.

Shanna D. Gregor
Grief Recovery Specialist

Shanna is an author, writer, editor and project manager who has served various organizations for more than 20 years. She has written, developed and contributed to more than 60 books. As a child of divorce, she has a passion to see parents equipped to help their children successfully navigate grief and loss in hopes that they can live free from the pain unresolved grief can cause. Shanna has a B.A. in Communications. She and her husband reside in Indianapolis, IN.

You Need to Keep Busy, and then You'll be Fine!

Sound Familiar? At one time or another, you may have said those exact words to
someone grieving a loss. Maybe you’ve experienced loss and were on the "receiving
end" of that advice. The words, "Just keep busy and you’ll be fine," are not only a myth, but often detrimental to a griever’s health!

For anyone grieving a loss, keeping busy is often a major distraction to dealing with
and completing their emotional pain. Many people have said during Grief Recovery that their attempts to keep busy have left them tired and confused.

These are the questions we hear so often:

1. HOW busy must I stay to ‘feel’ fine again? Is there a magic number of hours, days, weeks of activity I should add to my (already busy) schedule?
   
2. If I keep busy, how long will it take to "feel" fine? Right now I just "feel" sad and exhausted.
   

Our Grief and Wellness Team is trained to accurately define grief and loss, as well as help grievers develop "new habits" on their road to recovery. Give us a call today at 520-668-5906.

Linda A. McLaughlin
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist!

Linda brings her passion for people, as well as a desire to see lives changed to The Grief and Wellness Group. After 30 years in business, including marketing and radio, Linda's personal Grief Recovery journey led her to take a career shift, in order to help people take necessary action to recover from their loss.  Whether you choose an Outreach Group or One-On-One sessions, Linda says, "Don't delay; I want to meet you personally. Let's get started!

4.     “She was in such bad health, she’s better off.” or “He’s in a better place.”  “Just think, you’ll see them again one day.”  Learn the reason these common comments cause some grievers to want to hit their welling-meaning family and friends.

Focusing on how better off the deceased person is doesn’t help the griever at all. 

Some thoughts that go through a griever’s mind are:

·       So, I guess I should be grateful the person died! Huh?

·       Doesn’t this person have a clue what I’m going through? 

·       The dead person might be in a better place but I’m not. 

·       Doesn’t anyone care what I’m going through?  Maybe I would be better off dead myself. 

Of course, the griever most likely will never say any of these remarks, but you can be certain many of those thoughts are bombarding the hearts and minds of most grievers. 

Bobbie Rill, M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor
National Trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute®
Grief Recovery Specialist

A well-loved speaker, counselor and Grief Recovery Specialist, Bobbie has been guiding individuals successfully for over 20 years.