by Shanna Gregor

I like to take a new book with me when I travel. So, last time I boarded a plane, I had the book, When Children Grieve, in hand. I’d been through the grief recovery program twice—once as a first time participant and again for training to become a Grief Recovery Specialist.

 As a child of divorce, I carried a lot of baggage into many of my relationships—including my marriage. When I finally discovered a freedom that I believe can only be found in the Grief Recovery Method, I discovered a passion—I am compelled to show parents how they can help their children learn the tools of grief recovery at an early age.

 As I turned the pages of the book that serves as the foundation for parents, I saw myself again and again as the little girl who had struggled for 40 years to know what to do about this unresolved grief. If you were to open the pages of my now dog-eared book, you would see highlights of the things I never knew, misunderstood, and want parents everywhere to know. You will also see ink in the margins that say “good” and “this is me,” as well as asterisks marking the items I want to share and never want to forget.

 The losses most likely to occur appear below in the sequence they can commonly occur in a child’s life.

·        death of a pet

·        death of a grandparent

·        major move

·        divorce of a child's parents

·        death of parent[s]

·        death of a playmate, friend or relative

·        debilitating injury to the child or to someone important in the child's life

The authors of the book, When Children Grieve say, “Establishing a foundation for dealing effectively with loss can be one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. “[1]

To learn more, contact the Grief and Wellness Group today and take your first steps toward giving your children what they need to fully recover from the hurts life brings.

[1] John W. James, Russell Friedman and Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews, When Children Grieve, 2001 (New York: HarperCollins Publishing, 2001), 3.

Shanna D. Gregor
Grief Recovery Specialist

Shanna is an author, writer, editor and project manager who has served various organizations for more than 20 years. She has written, developed and contributed to more than 60 books. As a child of divorce, she has a passion to see parents equipped to help their children successfully navigate grief and loss in hopes that they can live free from the pain unresolved grief can cause. Shanna has a B.A. in Communications. She and her husband reside in Indianapolis, IN .

by Bob Rill

There is no shortage of hurting people in our community.  Most of us will encounter a significant loss every seven to nine years.  Also, one in three people you encounter whether at work, church or at home is dealing with a loss of some sort.  So, if you and your household are doing well, chances are one of your co-workers or neighbors is facing one of the over 40 losses that can disrupt our lives. 

Let me tell you the impact the Grief Recovery Program has had on my life. My dad was a pastor.  We made two major moves in my life – both before the age of 14.  This may be the first time you have realized that a move can be a major loss. The first move happened when I was very young.  I don’t remember much about it, so the impact was low. But, the second move from Oklahoma to St. Louis, Missouri included a number of huge losses. 
1.    Loss of familiar surroundings
2.    Loss of friends and schoolmates
3.    Loss of my first hunting dog
4.    Loss of my go-cart
5.    Loss of the bike I got for Christmas. 

Why?  The bike had bent rims and my dad didn’t know what to do to get them fixed so he threw it away. This one move and the way it was handled, set me up for a very, very rocky relationship with my dad – especially during my teen years – and even beyond.

Now, let me make just one comment about the healing that took place as a result of my grief recovery in that relationship.
My first hunting dog was a German Short Hair Pointer – just coming into his own pointing and obeying commands.  I couldn’t take the dog to St. Louis because, according to my dad, “It would dig up the yard.  But, we’ll get you a new dog, which they did.
The rest of the story, as Paul Harvey used to say: the new dog was a miniature French Poodle, and get this, named Shu Shu. My 70 pound hunting dog named Duke was replaced by a three pound French Poodle named Shu Shu and I found great humor for the first time in my life in recognizing the irony of the whole thing.

Holding onto the past hurts of those significant losses had no effect on my deceased dad but they haunted me until I was finally able to complete and resolve my relationship with him.

Our mission at The Grief & Wellness Group is to help hurting people in the Tucson area be able to move beyond the pain caused by the losses they encounter.If you or someone you know is experiencing loss, give us a call today.

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist

Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.

by Linda McLaughlin

Recently I was able to update my resume!  Oh, not my professional work resume or my Facebook timeline, but my Life Experience Resume!  You know, the one that goes all the way from my childhood right up to today, as a young, Senior Adult.  My life experiences have always included three things:
1. Love
2. Loss
3. Grief

Grief by definition is a normal and natural reaction to loss.  So columns of love, loss and grief describe my on-going life experiences and makeup what I call my Life Resume.

Most employers like to see resumes that show very simply: What have you done with what you have learned, and what skills do you now have to make our company successful?  So when I realized that my personal Life Resume was out of balance for success, accumulating more and more loss and grief, I knew I had to make some decisions and take some personal action toward grief recovery.

There's a Quote I like by English author, John Keats that says, "Nothing ever becomes real, until it is experienced!" Well, several years ago I experienced a huge loss and an extensive grieving process was added to my Life Resume.  One week before our 40th wedding anniversary, my husband chose to leave our marriage and family for another woman.  Divorce then became my experience and my reality. Thankfully, with the help of good friends, good family and good counselors, I was steered toward a Grief Recovery group that has been not only life-changing, but in many ways a lifesaver for me.

The Impact of the Grief Recovery process on my life has been two-fold:
Number One: I was able to add the word recovery to my Life Resume; it now says "Linda has experienced Love, Loss, Grief and Recovery!"                                                               

Number Two:  My passion for people along with my desire to help others through their grieving process, shifted my career choice to become a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist.

The Grief & Wellness Group, Inc., is a brand new team in Arizona, and our desire is to come alongside other businesses, schools, organizations, churches, agencies as well as individuals to offer Grief Recovery to everyone in need. This including your employees, your co-workers, your friends, your family members and You!

I'm often asked "When should someone start their Grief Recovery process?  Well, my first answer (delivered with a smile) is, "Probably yesterday ~ but let's get started Today!"
 

Linda McLaughlin
Grief Recovery Specialist

Linda brings her passion for people, as well as a desire to see lives changed to The Grief and Wellness Group. After 30 years in business, including marketing and radio, Linda's personal Grief Recovery journey led her to take a career shift, in order to help people take necessary action to recover from their loss.  Whether you choose an Outreach Group or One-On-One sessions, Linda says, "Don't delay; I want to meet you personally. Let's get started!"

by Bob Rill

When you read the title of this article I imagine you crinkled nose and brow. I’m not surprised, that is what my wife did when I offered her some delicious kosher pickles the other morning.

I’m going to tell you right up front the point of this article. You and I are influenced and conditioned to believe that many things, in this case breakfast should be wrapped in a certain, tidy package. It should be done during a certain time frame, relegated to a certain type of food, and most of all defined to a certain social context.

Actually, for most of us that works very well. It is a tight social code that fits comfortably into our lives. It helps you communicate with those around you and brings order and familiarity to your daily existence.

We are lead to believe that Kellogg’s Corn Flakes (yea, Tony the Tiger), eggs, bacon and hash browns; cinnamon rolls along with so many delicious treats like pancakes, and French toast are the acceptable choices.

McDonalds wants you to believe that breakfast is best when done between 6:30 and 10:30 AM and that lunch should start no later than 10:31 AM. Denney’s on the other hand thinks it’s perfectly okay to eat breakfast at any time of the day.

Well, the other morning I jumped out of bed at 4 AM and, as usual ,coffee was the first thing on my menu. It fits right into the social norms so far, right?  The next thing I realized is it was 8AM and I haven’t had anything to eat for breakfast. I had created a healthy appetite by that time. Hungry and in a hurry, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich with mayo and Kosher Pickles; and washed down with carbonated water. Since my wife thinks I’m some sort of sandwich genius, I offered her a bite. That’s when I got “the look.” No pickles for breakfast for her.

Grief has many social codes that can hinder our lives. When you or I experience a loss, whether it is being laid off work, a divorce, or a devastating automotive accident, we are told, “You’ve got to just get over it,”  “ Pick yourself up and keep going,” or my favorite “You can’t let it get you down.”

Such sage advice gives us the courage and the tools to just get over it, right? Rubbish! You still feel the knot in your stomach any time you think the loss you’ve experienced. Your mind continues to play the details that surrounds the circumstances over and over. Your self-talk plays the recording, “If I’d only…” or “I wish I would have or could have done something different, better, or more.”

Well there is good news. There is a method that will guide you through the minefield of guilt and negative thoughts to a helpful and meaningful conclusion. The method is known as the Grief Recovery Method. It is designed walk you through a journey to discover the truth about your LOSS. The process will take you through the good times and the difficult times and bring you out into the other side where you can see daylight once again.

You owe it to yourself to realize the truth about the things that have been a burden to you. With little work and a lot of honesty mixed into the process, you will be able to take the steps that will give you the freedom you desire.

Frankly, what and when you eat breakfast may help you to become physically a champion, thank you Wheaties. Otherwise, it is not going to make a huge impact on your overall life. How you choose to “get over it” will restore strength, health, and the joy you desire for your life. This process is available to you, but the first step is up to you.

If you are tired of living in the doldrums and sadness you are now experiencing take that first step to recovery. I will be there with you every step of this journey. Let me know when you want to get started. Give me a call at the Grief and Wellness Group.

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist

Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.

by Bob Rill

What is it about water that has such a magnetic pull? It seems as though everyone enjoys the soothing sound of water. My wife will sit for hours in the warm sun listening to the trickle of the water fountain while taking in the sweet smell of the spring orange blossoms. I personally prefer the sound of the surf pounding against the beach while digging my toes into the warm sand. I enjoy the mist of the salt spray peppering my face while watching the sailboats bobbing up and down along the horizons.

The sight of a sailboat pressing against the wind, careening up and down, makes me wonder if it’s owner is headed for some exotic port I can only dream about.  I would be willing to bet that every boat owner dreams of leaving the rat race behind and heading across the horizon for the white sands for the exciting ports of call.

There are some that take to the cruising lifestyle and do it successfully; others are not as fortunate to realize their dream. My wife and I enjoy walking along the docks seeing those magnificent sailboats. Boats tugging at their dock lines as if to say, “I don’t belong here, I’m meant to be out cutting through the waves.”  

Boats are not designed to just sit at the dock, but often that is exactly where they spend most of their lives. I’m told that the average boat owner only uses his or her boat 12 days out of the year.    

                         WHAT? So much for living the dream.

If you take a walk by any anchorage anywhere in the world, you’ll see a haggard boat—probably more than one—that bears the scars of not being used in a very long time. They are boats that are sitting on the water, simply rotting away.
     
These boats are easy to spot; usually they list from side to side. Their waterline is     typically black and full of barnacles. The boat’s gel coat is pitted and bubbling, the hardware is rusted or even missing. More often than not the halyards and sails have been removed or stolen. These boat are a sad, lonely and a decrypted sight. They sit silent in the water, a sure sign of the death of a dream.

I often wonder about the story behind these boats. If you could look behind the curtain, I guarantee you would find a loss. You might see an owner that died, divorced, suffered bankruptcy or maybe became too ill to keep things in ship shape. Such tragedies can shatter boat owner’s dreams.

The same things you see in boats can happen to people. When the losses and tragedies come into our lives, there are only two choices you can make.  
1.    Throw up your hands as if to say, “What’s the use?”
2.    Put on your tool belt and get to work.

No matter what personality the children’s books give a little sailboat, or how hard those boat try, boats are not able to repair damage done to them. But you can repair the emotional damage that has come your way. You have what you need to do what is necessary. You have a good head on your shoulders. Your heart (even though it may even be a broken heart) can heal. And if you choose to take the steps necessary to get through whatever has come your way, you can make repairs. You even have opposing thumbs to work with, making it easy to hold a pencil.

In working with people who have experienced a loss no matter how big or small, I know I can help to get you through it.  I find that Grievers seldom lack the courage to get through what has happened. What they really lack is the knowledge of what to do through the process.  

I can show you the tools that will take you through any difficulty you are confronted with. While Bobbie, my wife, or Bob—that’s me—can walk you through a tough journey, the choice is yours. Make a decision not to get a rope burn from holding on too tight or worse yet, drown with a ship that has already sank. Give us a call 520-688-5906.

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist

Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.

by Bobbie Rill, M.A., Licensed Professional Counselor

It’s vital when working with those who are hurting to remember grief is not a matter of the heart.
When someone is expressing their emotions and you don’t know what to do; you really don’t have to do anything.
•    Let them cry.
•    Have tissues available, but don’t offer it to them. If they want to use tissues, they can.
•    Most importantly, don’t give them the impression that their tears are bad.

If the tears are running down their face; it’s okay. Let them come. If you have tears too because your heart is touched, let your tears go too. We’ve been trained to maintain our composure, but you are instrumental in healing when you and those you’re working with let feel the emotion that grief brings.

It’s time to go counter to culture. Have you ever thought about these things; how we have been socialized? In our society—let’s look at how we talk about death. Do you say, “He died last week?” Most usually we use softer phrases:  
•    He passed on.
•    He expired.
•    He has gone to heaven or went to be with the lord.

Often it’s as if death, or the fact that he has died is somewhat off limits to talk about. Most of us have been socialized that feeling sad is bad. We’ve received a “Don’t feel bad message since childhood. Most of us received this message in elementary school. Maybe you experienced a fight on the playground or with your friend on the bus? You tell your mom, The tears start coming down and Mom says, “Don’t feel bad. Don’t cry; have a cookie and you’ll feel better.” The message is clear—those sad feelings are inappropriate.

Truthfully, you don’t feel any better with the cookie. You just feel different. We’ve all been socialized that it’s not appropriate to feel bad or sad, so we run to the refrigerator or pantry and eat the whole bag of chocolate chip cookies, a brownie or go out for a pizza.

I seriously doubt you’ve ever heard someone say, “Don’t feel good.” We would never say, “Don’t be happy. Let’s look at something that will take that happiness away.” We have trained ourselves to avoid, stuff, to feeling sad and bad? We don’t know what to do with your sadness. It makes us feel uncomfortable. When you’re working with someone who is hurting, it’s not about you.

Feelings
Some feelings are wonderful, positive and to be preferred; others are labeled as bad or negative. When we think of something positive we feel joy, happiness, or love; yet we’ve all experienced times when love misdirected have had horrible consequences. It’s not the feelings that are positive or negative. It’s what  you do with those feelings.

For example, anger can have a negative attached to it, but if you think about it there is a lot of energy resulting from anger that produces positive outcomes. I’ve got the cleanest house after being angry. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) is just one of the many organizations that were created out of feelings of anger.

The Taste Buds of Life
Emotions aren’t positive are negative—they just are. Emotions are the taste buds of life. You go to Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, you’ll discover some flavors are more palatable and some you don’t care as much about. Maybe you don’t like sour tastes, or the texture of some kinds of food. Our emotions are like a buffet. As we see and experience emotions, the more we understand just how important they really are. It’s what you do with them that count.

Bobbie Rill, M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor
National Trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute®
Grief Recovery Specialist

A well-loved speaker, counselor and Grief Recovery Specialist, Bobbie has been guiding individuals successfully for over 20 years.

Bobbie Rill, M.A., Licensed Professional Counselor

When you first hear that someone has suffered loss, you want to help. The challenge is that most of the time, we miss the target. I want to help you hit the mark every time when it comes to helping those who are hurting. The truth is, most of the time the information we have about grief and loss is not effective.

If we are going to hit the target, it’s necessary to look at the tools we have to help us accomplish that. Imagine a target—a bulls eye. The most effective tool created to hit that target would likely be a compound bow. Reality is that not an overwhelming number of us could really use one of those to hit the bulls eye. I personally am not familiar with that instrument; although it might be the best one to use. But because we are not experienced with the bow, we might try to use other, less effective tools, such as a spoon. Most of us know how to use a spoon, but it’s very unlikely it would do much good in hitting the bulls eye. Perhaps a hammer would be better. I know how to use a hammer. I could hit the bulls eye with it. It might take a couple of tries, but in the end, I it’s very likely I could do more damage than good with a hammer. It applied more force than what was really necessary.

I don’t want you to stand back after working with someone and say, “I wonder if I did more damage than I did good.” I want you to know how to help those who are hurting. My guess is that you have love, compassion and a desire to help; you need to know that love, desire and compassion are not enough. You have to have the right tools and the right information to truly help.

Throughout this series of articles, I am going to give you some tools to use that have proven extremely effective to hit the mark when you want to help other people who are hurting. These probably won’t be tools that you are used to using.

We Do Not Know What We Do Not Know
The struggle is—we do not know what we do not know. What we do know is what we have been taught by well-meaning people. We assume is correct information, but the truth is all that information is NOT correct. We have been socialized to understand grief in an ineffective and incorrect way.

Grief is a matter of the heart, not the head. In our society we have been socialized to intellectualize grief. Without even realizing what we are doing, we can intellectualize grief when working with someone. Perhaps a person has lost a spouse due to long term illness. We might say:
•    “At least he is no longer suffering.”
•    “He’s in a better place.”
•    “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28 NKJV).  

And while those are all true statements, it doesn’t help the griever who is dealing with heart emotions.

So, why do we intellectualize it? We intellectualize grief because we don’t know what to do with their feelings. The emotions makes us feel awkward. We need to learn how not to be intimidated with the appropriate expression of their emotions. Remember, grief is not a matter of the head, but a matter of the heart.

Bobbie Rill, M.A.
Licensed Professional Counselor 
National Trainer for The Grief Recovery Institute® 
Grief Recovery Specialist

A well-loved speaker, counselor and Grief Recovery Specialist, Bobbie has been guiding individuals successfully for over 20 years.

by Bob Rill

In my post yesterday, I listed the 10 Excuses—Why People Avoid Grief Recovery. By far the most common excuse is “It is way to expensive,” or “ I simply can’t afford it.” I usually interpret this to mean, I’m not sure I’m worth the price it will cost me.

I wasn’t there when this woman the woman I mentioned in yesterday's post was being mugged. I don’t know if she made a decision to fight her attacker, but if so, that decision came with an enormous price tag. I’m guessing that after a lengthy hospital stay, untold days of rehabilitation, and a mountains of medical bills, she may have wished she could turn back the clock and make different choice.

Money can often point us in the wrong direction, prompting us to a wrong decision. In both cases of robbery, it came down to just a few dollars. When it comes down to recovery of a loss you’ve encountered and your pursuit of restored hope, why would you make a decision not to invest in a healthy, happy future?

Too many people wait until they reach the bottom before they are willing to invest in themselves to overcome life’s hardships.  While the choice is completely yours, I encourage you to consider the cost of not spending the dollars on your own mental and emotional health. I spent the money to learn how to recover from the hurts that have hounded my life. It has helped me to climb out of the bottom of the pit I was stranded in and get to the top with an improved life.  

You know what? I prefer the view from the top. I have counted the cost and decided—NO MORE EXCUSES. I am worth the investment—and so are you.Call the Grief and Wellness Group today and take your first steps toward healing your broken heart.

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist

Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.

by Bob Rill

A few months ago my wife wanted to go out to dinner. I couldn’t afford McDonalds with the $4 I had in my pocket, so we stopped at an ATM to pick up some quick cash. The ATM was located an outside and even though it was not yet dark, the bank security lights were already blazing.

While making my transaction, a homeless man came out of the bushes at the corner of the bank. He had a bottle in his hand, holding it by the neck, and his plans for me were obvious as he approached me. When he was half way across the length of the building, my wife spotted him, started honking the car horn and yelling out the window. Fortunately for me, he turned around and disappeared back into the bushes.

Just a few weeks later, a Tucson woman was not so lucky. A gunman approached her, beat her and stole her purse. This was also in a parking lot of a well-lit shopping mall. A witness tried to intervene, but the robber threatened him with the gun he waved in his face. The lady is hospitalized with serious injuries from the thief’s vicious beating. 

I would have happily turned over my newly acquired $40 to the homeless man to avoid a headache that could have lasted the rest of my life. Thankfully, I was not put into a position of make that choice.

We all make judgments on the value we place about the things that shatter our lives. Only you can put a price on the healing of those things that have left your heart scarred, battered, and broken. You can trick yourself into believing any one of the ten excuses that can steal your hope for happiness available through grief recovery. There is always a price to pay for the decisions we make or fail to make. Count the cost now as you consider these 10 excuses for avoiding grief recovery.

1.    I don’t want to bring up past pain again.
2.    I don’t want to be judged for what I’ve gone through.
3.    I’m just too busy; I don’t have any free time.
4.    I’m afraid of what else it will drag out of my memory. (Most aren’t interested in opening Pandora’s box.)
5.    I have to be strong for my family.
6.    I really think I’m doing okay.
7.    I don’t want to lose my composure in front of anyone.
8.    Our family doesn’t talk about those kinds of things.
9.    It might make me feel out of control.
10.    It is way too expensive. 

I have counted the cost and decided—NO MORE EXCUSES. I am worth the investment—and so are you. Call the Grief and Wellness Group today and take your first steps toward healing your broken heart.

Bob Rill, B.S., Chaplain
Grief Recovery Specialist

Bob has 18 years of experience as an educator and administrator. As a Grief Recovery Specialist and Veteran, he delights in helping individuals move beyond the pain of loss.